Why Life After Divorce Can be Brighter Than You Imagined

Getting divorced offers little joy. But the life that awaits you on the other side might.

“I have joked over the years that no one wins in divorce because of the emotional and financial toll,” says Sonnet Daymont, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family therapist based in Southern California, who has been through divorce herself. “However, years down the road, with resilience and emotional growth, ex-spouses can find they are living much better lives than they could have possibly imagined during their married years.”

The challenge is getting there, especially given it’s hard to predict how you’ll cope with the process. “Personal values, spiritual beliefs, emotional connection between partners and even physical health can influence how a person responds to the life transition,” Daymont says.

A tried-and-true plan laid out by relationship therapists can show you how to handle life post-breakup — and thrive. Here it is.

8 Expert Tips for Navigating Life After Divorce

1. Take care of yourself.

“Focus on finding a baseline of physical health and self-care,” Daymont says. “Your body will encounter stress from the shock of a major life change, grief and a lot of uncertainty.”

If you experience insomnia, lack of appetite, overeating, disruption to your exercise routine or loneliness address it with your medical or mental health provider, she says. Free and low-cost peer support groups such as Divorce Care exist in many areas too.

2. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

Now’s not the time to push down emotions. If you feel sad, let yourself be sad. If your self-confidence feels diminished that’s okay too. You can’t get past what you feel without feeling it.

“Feeling whatever you feel is crucial because otherwise you can get lost in other people’s ideas and ‘shoulds,’ ” says Jeffrey Rubin, a psychotherapist based in Westchester, New York, and author of The Art of Flourishing: A Guide to Mindfulness, Self-Care, and Love in a Chaotic World.

For example, you might still be grieving the end of your relationship when friends or relatives insist you should have moved on. If you listen to them instead of how you truly feel, you might wind up guilt-ridden and ashamed, Rubin says.

3. Build your support team.

You need to surround yourself with folks who are on your side. “Stay connected to a supportive network of friends or relatives,” Rubin says.

It’s also smart to spend time with people who are healthy and know how to take care of themselves, Daymont says. Some might even have gone through divorce too.

“You are not the first person to experience this,” Daymont says. “Some people handle it better than others, so make a project of finding people who have handled it well. Let yourself feel inspired and less alone. Things can get better if you find examples of hope and resilience.”

4. Exercise, explore and get outside.

“Move: Walk in nature, do yoga or Pilates, take a kick-boxing class,” Rubin says. “Being physically active is important so that emotions that might go into the body and cause a negative reaction can be released.”

Also, obviously, exercise benefits your physical, emotional and mental health.

5. Support a person or cause.

Science has shown that volunteering and helping others is an ironclad way to feel happy, and a dose of happiness is welcome when you’re in the throes of navigating a divorce.

“You feel meaning, feel useful and get a break from self-contempt,” Rubin says.

6. Explore what you can learn from what happened.

“Too many people blame themselves,” Rubin says. “One way of avoiding that is to focus on what you can learn rather than who is ‘bad.’ Blame offers the illusion of performing emotional labor and working on the relationship, but it is destructive.”

Instead, do the internal work to heal and learn. Otherwise ”you will bring with you whatever baggage you had in the first relationship to the next,” Daymont says. “It is important to do the emotional healing needed to show up better for yourself and whomever you’re with in the future, especially for any children involved.”

7. Don’t rush into dating.

“Learn about healthy relationships from scratch, with curiosity,” Daymont says. “Learn about why people enter relationships and about the brain chemistry of early versus long-term dating.”

Capitalize on the wisdom of people who have figured out how to live life well after divorce. Educating yourself can be as easy as going to the library and checking out books about healthy love. The Gottman Institute also has quality research on healthy dating, healthy relationships and healthy parenting, Daymont says.

8. Stay busy in all the right ways.

It’s a good time to up your commitment to hobbies you love — or try something new.

“There are free classes at local libraries, mobile apps with meet-ups, like TimeLeft and MeetUp, where people find new connections and strengthen old by doing activities together,” Daymont says.

It’s also smart to learn how to be on your own if that’s something you’re afraid of or haven’t been good at. “Think about the things you would do with a best friend and start doing them alone, regularly,” Daymont says. “Divorce is an opportunity to embrace solitude and put time and energy into healing and prioritizing your personal growth. Learn the difference between enjoying solitude and feeling lonely.”

And if that feels like too much to digest, help is available. “Psychotherapy can be a good way to learn about boundaries and to navigate shame and social anxiety if you need help building social support and addressing loneliness,” Daymont says.